Girlboss'd Too Close to the Sun

Summer break or summer semester?

I was in overdrive this past spring semester. In trying to keep up with my classes, apply for internships, maintain my extracurriculars and personal life, I just felt really burnt out. I hardly realized that I was in the process of recreating this pattern as I planned for my summer. My off-balance work ethic and intrinsic need to overextend myself resulted in a summer where I feel overworked and stressed out. Of course this is not solely because of the way I approached things last semester. I've been in this state of overworking myself for years, decades even. I have been girlbossing too close to the sun for some time now and I want to retire.

When a professor tells you that your summer workload is too much, you may scoff. When two professors tell you that your summer workload is too much, you may start to worry. When three professors tell you that your summer workload is too much...you may start to panic. In planning for this summer, I applied for countless internships, wrote countless cover letters and did far too many mock interviews. I wanted this summer to be ~perfect~. It was my last summer before I graduated from college and I believed that I should be doing something insanely impressive to improve my chances for fellowships and jobs once I graduate. In searching for perfection, which does not actually exist, I piled more onto my plate than I could afford to eat. Thesis research? Not enough, best to combine it with an intensive grad school prep program and an internship. Oh god! There is panic, but there is also so much regret.

The "should" voice in my head has always been a bit more outspoken than the "want" voice. This summer. I felt that I should be overdoing it. What I wanted to do was to do something fulfilling and have enough time time to paint more, write more, hang out with friends, pick up crocheting again, read some of the books that have been collecting dust in the corner of my room, and hey maybe make some negotiable choices. After a spring semester where I felt exhausted every night and consistently braced myself for exhaustion every morning, I just wanted to relax for a change. Instead, I am anxiously trying to make time for my research and my internship, beginning my fellowship writing samples, and squeezing in some fun when I can afford to. Doesn't that just sound more like a semester than a break?

Still, I have been trying to make the most of every bit of fun and peace that has come to me this summer. I have loved exploring the city with my partner, afternoon walks, familiarizing myself with the beautiful city of Ithaca and getting more into Buddhism. I loved going to NYC pride and day dreaming of a post grad life there. I want more of this, regardless of whatever my "should" voice is telling me. Whose voice is that anyway and why is it so overbearing?

So that's where I am. I'm trying not to let myself be consumed by regret for how my summer turned out. In the midst of such a hectic work schedule, I have learned a lot and I am really grateful for that. I just don't want to keep girlbossing too close to the sun because that only leads to burn out (note: this is a pun). I genuinely want to give working less a try. Hopefully that does not engender an(other) identity crisis. Oh well...stay tuned.