I'm Back!

TW: brief mention of SA

You may be asking yourself, she’s back? Where has she been?

Surprise surprise, I was absolutely swamped this semester. The way that I’ve been describing it is that I felt like I was drowning this past Spring. On top of a full course workload, with a political science professor that is notorious for giving a lot of work, I was really involved on campus, more involved than I have ever been. I accomplished a lot of what I wanted to, but it definitely came at the expense of my own mental health and peace. I wanted this article to be a "brief" snapshot of what this past semester entailed for me and a promise to you, and myself, that I will more regularly update my blog moving forward. Dare I say…a new article every week? We’ll see!

Coming into Spring 23, I was feeling really anxious. I was struggling with body image issues, fear that I would not be able to get the summer internship that I wanted and my typical sense of impending doom. I’ll go more into detail about the body image issues in another article (or two), but for now I’ll just say that not feeling confident in your body can be a debilitating feeling. Because of this, I was already in a tense headspace and the thought of not being able to accomplish something "impressive" this upcoming summer only increased the amount of stress that I was feeling. Winter break, I put so much effort into creating a comprehensive checklist of different internships, how much they would pay and application requirements. This was my last summer as a college student, so I needed to go above and beyond. At least, that’s what I told myself over and over again. As you can see, all of this pressure that I put on myself for how my body was changing and what I “desperately needed” to achieve did not allow much room for stillness, connection and radical self-love and acceptance. Unfortunately for me, my cup was already dwindling by the time that I stepped foot on campus in January.

January and even February were difficult months for me. Not only was January the one year anniversary of when I became a survivor of sexual violence, but I was also struggling to re-adjust back to life at my academically intense college. My weeks and weekends were filled to the brim with managing my classes, working for the Title IX office, starting a student-led (...I’m the student) survivor’s group, getting another job, being on the board for my college's Caribbean club, and applying for internships. Going to a party on a Friday or Saturday night were the least of my concerns when even doing a face mask at the end of the day seemed too good to be true. Not to mention the constant social interactions. I felt so welcomed by fellow students, faculty and staff, but the frequent ‘study abroad’ inquiries meant having to be socially “on” way more than I wanted to be. Being social felt like another item on my checklist and I already felt like I was stretching myself far too thin. Don’t get me wrong, I still put my best “social” foot forward and attended a party or two. I’m really glad I did because I ended up meeting my current partner at one of them :) Needless to say, I was REALLY looking forward to spring break at this point.

March, April and May felt like yet another difficult lap in the brutal marathon that was my junior spring. I was finally starting to feel more adjusted with my classes, extracurriculars and social activities. But then the tests, papers, and presentations started piling on. It felt as if taking a breather was absolutely out of the question, especially because I was still unsure of what my summer plans entailed at this point. I thought that I would be able to finally check off “get an internship” on my checklist by February, but things didn't turn out as planned. In retrospect, they turned out even better but I wasn’t quite able to see that while I was in the midst of anxiously figuring things out. I was still trying to make time for my relationships by being more intentional about planning friend hang-outs and dates. I was trying to salvage whatever opportunities for “fun” that remained, but honestly I was just really disappointed in how infrequently I was able to enjoy myself this semester. When the instagram collages of spring semester started to roll out featuring parties and adventurous escapes, I couldn’t help but see this semester from a cup half-empty perspective. I asked myself, judgmentally, how did I let myself get this overwhelmed??

So that’s where I’ve been. Don’t get me wrong, I am really proud of myself for all that I was able to accomplish this semester. Last spring, I dreamed of creating a survivor’s group and getting some of the opportunities that I currently have. I promised myself that I would go to the gym regularly and eat better, and I was able to consistently do so this semester. Not only that, but I’m in the kind of relationship that I’ve been manifesting for years now. PLUS I got great grades. I want to be able to acknowledge all of the good that came out of Spring 23 while being mindful of ways that I want to improve moving forward. Self-abandonment and burnout are not sustainable, and I’m done trying to sustain them. I want to create daily practices that allow me to come back to myself and connect deeply with the people around me and my surroundings. I want to build a self-care foundation that is both life-affirming and sustainable that will support me even as life starts to get more hectic. And part of that includes writing frequently which is what I plan to really focus on this summer (among other hobbies!). With my junior year in the books, I’m really looking forward to everything that awaits me this summer, including but not limited to: doing independent research for my thesis, doing a human rights internship at a Haitian advocacy organization, participating in a migration summer program, road trips, going to pride for the first time in years and lots of picnics and happy hours! My last article was about self-compassion and that's a value that I'm really trying to center within myself. So things did not turn out exactly the way that I expected them to this past semester. That's absolutely okay! If anything, I've learned a crucial lesson in how necessary it is to show up for myself. Life will only get more hectic, and this is a lesson that I want to take with me wherever I go...it will certainly take me far.

Thank you for reading and as promised, I will be way more intentional about updating this blog as often as possible!