The Power of Vulnerability

"I kept thinking of what it would mean to do something so reckless, so chaotic and free."

For as long as I can remember, I have been holding my breath in between protective styles; waiting for the feeling of that synthetic hair to brush against the nape of my neck to feel beautiful again.

That's just the thing. I shouldn't link my beauty to the presence of a hair I can't even call my own. I shouldn't feel the need to hide being something that isn't naturally connected to me to feel something that's intrinsically of me.

That's not to say that I think there's anything wrong with using wigs, weaves, braids, etc., as protective styles. I love the beauty, culture and versatility that is Black hair. I am, however, in the process of unlearning that the presence or absence of fake hair does not define my beauty nor does it define any Black woman's beauty. Our natural beauty is breathtaking.

Now I can go on the whole "Black women are forced into stricter gender norms because of our need to overcompensate for society's belief that we are less worthy of femininity and are inherently 'aggressive' or 'manly'" rant but how much time do we really have here?

To answer all of those that have asked and to those that will ask, one of my reasons for cutting my hair was forcing myself to embrace my natural beauty. It was to finally begin an interdependent relationship with my natural hair state and any weaves or wigs I chose to adorn it with. In other words, I'm done thinking that I need fake hair to be beautiful, worthy, feminine. Because that couldn't be further from the truth.

Cutting my hair was also saying a big "fuck you" to those gender norms. It was my way of saying that I'm no longer living my life according to anyone else's playbook. I'm in charge of how I present myself to this world including how I want to express my femininity, masculinity and sometimes neither ability. I'm not subscribing to the rules that were imposed by colonial powers as a way to control my people, past and present. Forget those rules and those that created them. I get to decide how I move through this world.

My father always makes a point to memorialize important days in our lives thus today, August 19, 2021 in a Generation binge watching session floating on a rock in need of some healing, I'm choosing vulnerability. I'm choosing the freedom to redefine myself; to enjoy the parts of myself that society advises me to shy away from; to stop chasing an image of myself that doesn't exist and instead, giving myself the permission and opportunity to get to know my powerful authentic self.