Why the song “Vienna” by Billy Joel perfectly describes the person that I am becoming

I feel so much more at peace with myself than I did as a teenager, and I think this song does a great job of depicting the arch that I have experienced.

TW: brief mention of unhealthy eating habits

I had someone tell me a few weeks ago that I did not strike them as a virgo. I momentarily had an identity crisis. For the longest time, I thought that I was the most virgo person I’ve ever met. I held myself to an unbelievably high standard. I was systematic, calculating and more focused on work than my overall well-being. I won’t deny that I still possess some of these qualities. I still struggle with “high functioning” anxiety. I still experience moments where I go into “all or nothing” mode at the cost of my physical and mental health. But in the past two years, I have genuinely made an effort to embrace my need for rest, peace and unconditional self-support. I have begun to understand that I can not will my life into becoming something that only exists in my mind. What is meant for me is already mine. Essentially, I have realized that Vienna waits for me.

“Slow down, you crazy child. You’re so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you’re so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?”

If only you guys could see what goes on in my head when I begin meticulously planning my entire life for the next 15 years. I always liken it to that spongebob episode where there’s like 20 spongebobs running around in his head looking for a file and everything’s ablaze. I genuinely feel like that sometimes. I feel like if I don’t perfectly plan everything then it proves that I’m not good enough or that I’m broken. My anxiety expresses itself in a form of “if, then” kind of thinking. This was especially the case during high school. The following is an example of how these thoughts would quickly (and dangerously) evolve in my mind:

If I get straight As then I will have a perfect GPA for this semester.

• If I continue this for the next 8 semesters, I can have a chance of getting into a great college.

• If I get into a great college then I can get into a great law school.

• If I get into a great law school then I can be successful and all of this would have been worth it.

The thing is, all of these conditional statements are connected. In my mind, it made sense that if I failed to get straight As, it could reasonably impact my entire life trajectory. This meant overworking myself extensively. I would stay up for hours finishing assignments that weren’t due for weeks. Even if I did not have the capacity for it, I would do extra credit assignments just to make sure that I had done everything possible to guarantee my “A” in that class…even if I already had an A. I was so stressed out during college applications that I lost 15 pounds due to irregular eating habits. I feared not being good enough so much that I would have anxious breakdowns at the thought of getting lower than a B on a test. This hazardous thinking (and its ensuing consequences on my mental and physical health) was fueled entirely by fear. Billy Joel hit the nail on the head with that lyric.

“Slow down, you’re doing fine. You can’t be everything you wanna be before your time.”

So I’m not saying that my dreams and passions weren’t valid goals to strive towards. I have always known that I wanted to be a great advocate for minority populations, particularly becoming a new age leader for Haitian liberation. I have come to understand that that is all still within my reach even if I don’t unhealthily overwork myself in the process. I think getting more in touch with my faith has shown me that I am on the right path. I am doing everything that I need to do to become the person that I am meant to be. Even if that does not fall in line with my current expectations of my future self, that doesn’t mean I (or my loved ones) will be less proud of myself. I have always been enough and I will continue to be enough. The time will come for those dreams to come to fruition. What matters is that I feel whole enough and at peace enough with myself to receive everything that I have worked so hard for once it comes to me.

“You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride. But don’t you know only fools are satisfied? It’s alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.”

The “if, then” scenarios are truly a recipe for disaster. You will always be in search of the next thing. Every step you take will be calculated rather than enjoyed. You won’t be able to stop and enjoy the fruits of your labor because all you’re thinking about is the next thing you need to do in order to fulfill the idealistic reality you’ve envisioned for yourself. And the thing is, once you finally “suceed,” you will still be unhappy. You will still be unsatisfied. It still won’t be enough. At the end of the day, it isn’t a college or law school acceptance that makes life worth living. Neither is it the affections of someone else or a brand new car or house. It’s all up to you. That happiness and feeling of fulfillment is of your own creation. It is not external and cannot be acquired externally. I really appreciate this lyric because it follows the line of thinking that I have had for so many years. I would always think that giving myself more credit was foolish and would deter me from continuing to work towards my goal. I thought showing myself grace and resting was antithetical to the kind of success that I needed to have in order to validate myself. I was so wrong.

“When will you realize, Vienna waits for you”

So the story behind this song (according to Genius) is that Billy Joel sees an old woman sweeping the streets in Vienna, Austria. He thought it was strange and sad that this old woman was doing this kind of work as opposed to someone younger. His father who lived in Vienna told him that no, everyone here has their purpose. There was no need for someone younger to help out in this way. This woman still had things to offer to her community despite being older. Billy Joel, being raised in the hyper capitalistic United States, realized that he had been thinking about life and aging in an unhealthy way. Instead of overworking yourself to achieve some kind of success as a young person, he realized the importance of every stage in a person’s life. There is value in being old as much as there is value in being young. Everything has its purpose, even the mundane. He understood that life can take its time when you allow it to. Vienna isn’t going anywhere.

As I continue to go through my life experiencing love, heartbreak, joy and sorrow, I will remember that Vienna waits for me. When I get into a mental frenzy worrying about my future and what I need to do to ensure that things go well, I will remember that Vienna waits for me. Everything will happen as it is supposed to. For once in my life, I truly believe that what is meant for me won’t go past me. It's certainly been a long time coming but I'm proud of myself for the progress that I have made :)