Summer Lovin <33

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place” Zora Neale Hurston

Everywhere you go, there love is. The subject of countless poems, songs, movies, quotes, and those cheesy wall hangings that you find in Homegoods. But after suffering from heartbreak after heartbreak, I could only view love as the cruelest joke to ever be told. Because after being ghosted and rejected, I felt like this whole “love” business just wasn't something that would find me again. Sure I could see that other people were in love but it never seemed like it was meant for me. No matter the situation, the race, hell the gender, love just didn’t look good on me. Heartbreak and loss had made me a pessimistic and depressed mess. To the point where I felt revolted at the sight of a happy couple. In the presence of a couple, my motto was either you leave or I will.

Essentially, I lost faith in love. When I decided that I was living a loveless life, I lost faith that romantic love would ever come my way. Naturally, it didn’t. I was in need of so much healing and getting deeper in my faith allowed me to do so. Through daily meditation, I found that love was my spirit in its most perfect state. I realized that love was not synonymous with romantic love and that, in truth, I was surrounded by it. Instead of running away from love or running to it in order to fill some deep inner wound, I decided to just let myself be. As I slowly became aware of the effortlessness that love required, there it came, knocking at my door with a smile on his face.

So this summer, I let myself be absorbed in love. I loosened up every inhibition and plunged myself headfirst into the most beautiful love I have experienced so far. It didn’t happen after a series of tinder swipes or forced conversations. It happened with a new friend of mine with whom I felt comfortable and seen. After dancing both kompa (traditional Haitian music & style of dance) and bachata (traditional Dominican music & style of dance) with him at a disco and drunkenly confessing my whereabouts the night before, he told me that he liked me and had known from the moment he saw me that we were meant to be connected. To set the scene, I was working at a non profit in the Dominican Republic for the summer and finally starting to feel comfortable in my own body again in the island of my people. I had been doing the work to heal from the sexual violence I experienced earlier that year both on my own and with the help of my community. I was no longer appalled by the idea of love and due to the change in environment, I was starting to feel hopeful again. A gut feeling told me “let’s hear him out.” And so it began. Though I felt most comfortable in English and he with Spanish, our relationship was a tune sung to the melodious language of our ancestors: Haitian-Creole.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.” John Green

First it was his thoughtfulness: stopping by to see me every day after work bringing small tokens of his appreciation, warm embraces and an open heart and mind. Believe it or not, I struggled so much in my past relationships for all of these things. It seemed to always slip my partner or love interest at the time’s mind to show up for me in such small, yet meaningful ways. Then it was the interest. Do you ever find yourself asking all of the questions and waiting patiently for the interest to be reciprocated? For me, this happened far too often. I would have a list of questions ready, wanting eagerly to take a look into their world. But when it came to mine, they would quickly look the other way. When we started having deeper conversations and he took an interest in everything that I said (genuinely wanting to hear about my life experiences), I realized that for far too long, I had been in relationships and situationships with people who simply did not like me. It didn’t matter what “qualifications” I felt I brought to the table, you can’t convince someone to see you. And with him, I never had to do even the slightest bit of convincing. I wanted to absorb myself in his world and he with mine. God are all Latin men this romantic?? Though we were very different upon first look: a Haitian-American who attends an elite liberal arts college and a Dominico-Haitiano from a very humble background, it just worked. My core needs were met and so much more.

Excerpt from my journal: What I want in my next partner (written early May 2022)

• Someone who is romantic and sweeps me off my feet. CHECK

• Someone who loves quality time and words of affirmation the way I do. CHECK

• Someone that pushes me to be the best version of myself. CHECK

• Someone who is caring, treats themselves and others with care and grace. CHECK

The list goes on and on…and he, quite effortlessly, checked them all off. From writing me silly little songs, meditating with me in the forest, affirming his feelings for me daily and getting into deep leftist conversations with me, he just came into my life and met every need that I could ask of a partner. These are the same wants and needs that I seemingly had to beg for from past partners, yet he met them with ease. Like what?! Where the hell has this guy been?! Oh right….in the Dominican Republic. That is sadly a very important part of the equation.

So here I was, head over heels in love with the kind of man that would give me a massage whenever I seemed tense, did a better job of taking out my faux locs than I could and danced kompa with me in the middle of nowhere at the drop of a hat just because….AND HE LIVED IN ANOTHER FREAKING COUNTRY. Once I realized just how in love I was and just how impossible it would be to sustain this relationship once I left the country, I started wondering why the hell I would get myself in this situation. I was instantly filled with so much regret until I realized that the kind of love I was experiencing was exactly what I had been searching for for years. A love that was effortless, healthy, reciprocated, safe, fun and judgment-free. A love that was healing, transformative even. A love that saw me for who I am and said “you are more than good enough.”

The love I experienced this summer brought me back to life. I was singing Cater 2 U, Crazy in Love and Halo all at the same time (Beyonce has truly mastered the soundtrack to love). This was the kind of love that I thanked the universe for every day that we were physically together. Wow, wow, wow! For once I wasn’t absorbed in all of the bad experiences I endured years prior. Instead, I felt grateful for the choices I made along the way that allowed me to welcome this love with open arms. Our past difficult situations showed us what not to do or allow. Thankfully, we were both able to bring our best selves to this relationship and create something so beautiful.

Even though we are currently both heartbroken about the circumstances that make being with each other nearly impossible while we are in different countries, at the same time, we are filled with gratitude for what we got to experience with one another. Through the tears, all of those crazy adventures we had together are still viewed through rose colored lenses. I won’t lie and say that saying goodbye to him and not knowing for sure when I’ll see him again wasn’t one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but still, I regret nothing. Our time together was worth our combined weight in gold and more.

Thank you universe for showing me what I deserve because in doing so, I now know what I won’t settle for moving forward. I needed an example of a pure love. I was losing faith that I deserved someone who could love me for me. I was losing hope that I would ever find someone who looks at me like they’ve been waiting their whole life for someone like me. Even when I am ready to move on to pursue new romantic relationships, I will forever cherish this experience because it showed me that life can be beautiful too. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Summer lovin, had me a blast <3